Vonna Today

(she said)
on November 18 at 10:23pm
thinking of you and holding you close at this difficult time of year – love the picture of you and Jonathan – so very, very precious

(I replied)
I can’t do this — I thank you for holding me — means a lot – ♥

(she said)
Yes, you can – but none of us would ever choose to do this – ever – not even to our fiercest enemies.

AND you are RIGHT – you can’t do this ALONE!!

You only have to do this minute, this hour, this day – nothing more.

So many people love you and are here for you, in one way or another, including Jonathan.

Let yourself draw upon the strength and resources of others during this time.

Tell the safe people in your life what you need (stay far away from the others , tell yourself what you need and honor that!!

Whether it is hours under the covers, time spent looking at pictures, touching his clothes and belongings and laughing,screaming and crying – hours in the presence of others who will let you just “be” the incredible, yet nutty and vulnerable woman and mother you are

Let people know it is not just the “day” but this entire month and season that is difficult, and if you have any wealthy friends tell them several gift certificates for massage would be really helpful!!

I am serious – you need to be touched and be in touch with your body and soul -let yourself be nurtured and cared for by others in these days and the days ahead. There are plenty days left in your life where you will give back – it is your time to receive.

(I replied)

I have no friends – they don’t come over.

They don’t call, I sit at home alone in quietness.

Remember you told me that my friends become strangers and my strangers become friends. I remember that day we sat in the house and we talked about grief, all of it.  I remember.

Deb, I know I have my friends who love me but they are on a computer screen and some of those friends I don’t even know who they are or if I can trust them; I mean I know who my really good friends are but I think you know what I mean — Some of those friends from the first year are even gone. Lives change and I know this. People are sometimes just stuck in their own lives – and I understand that – I am tired of consoling others – sharing myself – I want to be selfish – but this is not my nature.

I don’t want a hug I just want my Jonathan back – this was not supposed to happen – he would have been a great great man who would of made a difference! I am not defying what “God” has done, he did it for a reason. They know what happened that night and they won’t tell.

My life is changing and I don’t like it – no one likes change – my body and soul right now are well – spent – just spent and I really don’t know how to get it back – I refuse to go to a group – this is not me. I would rather speak in front of a group, not sit and listen. I gain my strength from telling my story – I just can’t seem to tell it the right way – even to myself.

(she said)

Grief is very selfish even if we don’t think we are selfish.

Being in survival mode from grieving requires us to be selfish.

Sitting and listening to others – their stories and their pain is very, very difficult in the midst of our own, even listening to people and their everyday “normal” lives is excruciating at times.

Sitting and listening requires a patience that is beyond those who are newly grieving and year 2 is still newly grieving.

Those in group are just looking for what you are – to tell their story and have someone to listen.

If we gain strength from telling our story but there is no one to listen to us – how are we strengthened?

Getting through the trauma of losing Jonathan to death means you and everyone involved in his life have changed.

This journey is long and arduous with many blessings and curses along the way.

You have years to “figure it out” and to learn to tell your story the right way for yourself…Just for today – do something to honor yourself and the love you have Jonathan. Thank you for trusting me with your heart and your pain.

(I replied)
♥ – I am still here ~ “Lord” only knows how I wish I had patience.
You are a wise woman Debra if you can make it ~ I guess I better listen too you.

I actually did find a penny today penny and I picked it up, it’s been a while, so it is not a just a coincidence to me.

Much love – thank you for keeping me going just for today.

On November 20 at 9:29am

(I replied)
I am still here Debra…
The wall post ended ~

Who is Debra Smith Anderson?
She is my friend and this is her story ~

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friendship, grief, loss of child, pain, support