Unforgettable experience as I took pictures of Patti Cahill at the 2009 Bead & Button Flame Off for Breast Cancer! Inspired by the color, the talent as well as the process of one of her signature pieces!

unforgettable © justvonna 2010

The unforgettable experience ~ me back at 1000 Markets where vonna was today!
ALL DAY Yesterday

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.

R.I.P. (my son) December 26, 1986 ~ November 30, 2007

(she said)
on November 18 at 10:23pm
thinking of you and holding you close at this difficult time of year – love the picture of you and Jonathan – so very, very precious

(I replied)
I can’t do this — I thank you for holding me — means a lot – ♥

(she said)
Yes, you can – but none of us would ever choose to do this – ever – not even to our fiercest enemies.

AND you are RIGHT – you can’t do this ALONE!!

You only have to do this minute, this hour, this day – nothing more.

So many people love you and are here for you, in one way or another, including Jonathan.

Let yourself draw upon the strength and resources of others during this time.

Tell the safe people in your life what you need (stay far away from the others , tell yourself what you need and honor that!!

Whether it is hours under the covers, time spent looking at pictures, touching his clothes and belongings and laughing,screaming and crying – hours in the presence of others who will let you just “be” the incredible, yet nutty and vulnerable woman and mother you are

Let people know it is not just the “day” but this entire month and season that is difficult, and if you have any wealthy friends tell them several gift certificates for massage would be really helpful!!

I am serious – you need to be touched and be in touch with your body and soul -let yourself be nurtured and cared for by others in these days and the days ahead. There are plenty days left in your life where you will give back – it is your time to receive.

(I replied)

I have no friends – they don’t come over.

They don’t call, I sit at home alone in quietness.

Remember you told me that my friends become strangers and my strangers become friends. I remember that day we sat in the house and we talked about grief, all of it.  I remember.

Deb, I know I have my friends who love me but they are on a computer screen and some of those friends I don’t even know who they are or if I can trust them; I mean I know who my really good friends are but I think you know what I mean — Some of those friends from the first year are even gone. Lives change and I know this. People are sometimes just stuck in their own lives – and I understand that – I am tired of consoling others – sharing myself – I want to be selfish – but this is not my nature.

I don’t want a hug I just want my Jonathan back – this was not supposed to happen – he would have been a great great man who would of made a difference! I am not defying what “God” has done, he did it for a reason. They know what happened that night and they won’t tell.

My life is changing and I don’t like it – no one likes change – my body and soul right now are well – spent – just spent and I really don’t know how to get it back – I refuse to go to a group – this is not me. I would rather speak in front of a group, not sit and listen. I gain my strength from telling my story – I just can’t seem to tell it the right way – even to myself.

(she said)

Grief is very selfish even if we don’t think we are selfish.

Being in survival mode from grieving requires us to be selfish.

Sitting and listening to others – their stories and their pain is very, very difficult in the midst of our own, even listening to people and their everyday “normal” lives is excruciating at times.

Sitting and listening requires a patience that is beyond those who are newly grieving and year 2 is still newly grieving.

Those in group are just looking for what you are – to tell their story and have someone to listen.

If we gain strength from telling our story but there is no one to listen to us – how are we strengthened?

Getting through the trauma of losing Jonathan to death means you and everyone involved in his life have changed.

This journey is long and arduous with many blessings and curses along the way.

You have years to “figure it out” and to learn to tell your story the right way for yourself…Just for today – do something to honor yourself and the love you have Jonathan. Thank you for trusting me with your heart and your pain.

(I replied)
♥ – I am still here ~ “Lord” only knows how I wish I had patience.
You are a wise woman Debra if you can make it ~ I guess I better listen too you.

I actually did find a penny today penny and I picked it up, it’s been a while, so it is not a just a coincidence to me.

Much love – thank you for keeping me going just for today.

On November 20 at 9:29am

(I replied)
I am still here Debra…
The wall post ended ~

Who is Debra Smith Anderson?
She is my friend and this is her story ~

7 Stages of Grief…

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. (OR YEARS)

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it.
HOW CAN I HIDE FROM THIS PAIN, but I have no guilt.

Life is so scary.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration yes, but no bargaining!

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.  I truly do!

7 Stages of Grief…

5. THE UPWARD TURN-  YEA NO WAY!
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly. maybe just a little

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one.  Some days are harder than others!

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

I will find my way forward, but I shall never be who I was! Never again.
I write to help me as well as others that may pass by – It’s just not all about me!

I found this 7 stages of grief as I was searching for a poem to read this evening, the night of my son’s 2nd year anniversary.

May “God” bless my sick friends, my thoughts and prayers are with you ~ you the passers by!

I know today my friends are thinking of me – it’s just so hard to be alone in cyberspace on a Monday!

The Gift

Vignettes of time & memories

3 DVD Set ~

director & editor Dan McEachern

Starring ~ 
Michael he hasn’t changed.
Jonathan with all his personality.
Patrick their brother.
Rita their stepmother
.
Dan their father.

Featuring ~ vonna the mother, katie their sister, ed their stepfather, sammy our dog,

Special appearance ~ grandma’s red dodge shadow

The starting point

Time where did it go and where is it now?

“Past time – are just memories relived,  present time – are memories we create,  future time – are memories to be made.” jv

Thursday December 31, 2009
Driving to the mailbox was my routine on my return if and when I ever left the house these past two years.  Yet again the postman left the package in box # 2. Yet again it did not open, yet again I had to wait.

Saturday, January 2, 2010 – Deerfield, IL

12:00 noon ~ the package arrivied.

3:04 pm
The ending Dan was perfect a bittersweet moment.  Jonathan had a lot of your natural instinct in film making as well as within his life choices. If he had that chance to grow like you, he would of made a hell of a movie writer director and editor!

Just for today Dan I thank you for these memories you have given me that I never had; the memories I relived.
I now understand how hard this was for you to produce. It is a process we go through a process of pain and grief. We all need that chance to do what we have to do. Dan from the beginning I saw this tragedy as just another 12 step program of life. Thank you for posting on my wall that day on Facebook, and I thank you for this gift you sent. May you have peace now just for the moment.  May you get stronger each day if you are able.